I never wrote about the class I took before Thanksgiving break. I took a true break and neglected everything in my liiiiife including this blog. All I did was eat brownies for 5 days.
The last class before break was my regular Monday class. I still felt weak from my Mystery Diagnosis illness so it was nothing to write home about. The only thing of note was that Taylor, the other teacher, took class with us! It was slightly intimidating, but I’m sure she wasn’t checking on her students’ technique during class. Likewise, I tried to pay attention only to myself and not automatically follow her for every exercise. Easier said than done.
Fast forward to ONE WEEK LATER and my first class after Thanksgiving break: Monday class again. My main question is why didn’t I stretch over the weekend? Why?!
My hips are so tight. You know how you can do a “figure 4” stretch (or a form of pigeon in yoga) on the barre, so you’re facing the barre, your foot and knee are resting on the barre, your shin is parallel to the floor? On my right side, the tight side, my knee was sticking straight up to the ceiling (I mean basically). I’m standing there like, slowly, painfully trying to press it down with my hand. Thinking WHY DIDNT I STRETCH EVEN ONCE
I actually remember that I went to a yoga class on Tuesday. That was the last exercise I did before sloth mode. Guess it didn’t help!
I felt like class went by really fast. But not in a good way. I wanted to repeat everything we did until I got it right, like if I just had one more chance, that’s when I’d morph into a professional ballerina and execute the steps perfectly. We did a fairly simple tendu combination in center and I totally flubbed it. This was after putting myself in a front corner so I had no one to follow (and possibly people were following me! Sorry!). I dunno I just felt uncoordinated and awkward and tall(?). Sometimes when I feel especially awkward I get this sense that I’m a huge giant looming over everyone, which adds to the feeling of everyone staring at me (none of this is actually happening).
As I said, I vegged out to the max over Thanksgiving break, and spent an entire day reading instead of doing any chores whatsoever (or stretching!!!), even though I really needed to do laundry and was running out of ballet clothes. On Monday I was left wearing an old leotard I don’t usually wear because the material is really clingy and thin. I thought putting a tank top over it would solve the problem, but the tank top itself was super thin and basically useless. This wardrobe malfunction added to my self-consciousness. I felt like my ballet outfit screamed LOOK AT ME!
Is this a ballet blog or an anxiety blog? You decide.
I want new ballet clothes anyway. I only have like 2 pairs of tights that don’t have runs and holes. And in the wintertime I only want to wear footed tights, and I really only have one good pink pair with feet (obviously we all know you can’t wear the feet down with black tights!!! JEEZ!). I almost ordered a bunch of things online the other day, before I realized shipping was super expensive (from discountdance.com). So I just need to make it to a physical dance supply store at some point. Maybe they even have a clearance bin I can dig through. Since pretty much all the dancewear I own is from some random clearance bin I went through in 2004.
I think that thing is happening where any improvements I make only add to the amount of flaws I can see. Surely I must have improved after what, three months of ballet? But I feel worse than ever. I look in the mirror and what am I doing, and why are my hands so distinctively my hands? I want them to look like ballet hands. But somehow my entire personality infused itself into my hands. My hands may as well be two pictures of my own face.
I really wish I could video myself dancing in a studio. I have no idea what I might look like doing grande allegro or even most center combinations. I’m kind of near-sighted, so myself in the mirror is fuzzy, and I’m also shy about looking in the mirror too much? Even though that’s what it’s there for? And no one is watching me watch myself, and no one cares?
Honestly I don’t even know where to start with things I want to work on. Everything is bad. Everything feels like a mess.
I say that in the most self-loving way possible. Sorry, ballet-self. You are doing GREAT. It’s just, a lot. It’s just hard. Hey I noticed that my grand battements to the front were surprisingly high when I stole a glance at them. They looked nice! That was a boost.
I do get a little thrill every time a teacher says “Spot yourself in the mirror!” Hey that’s me! That’s my unpopular ballet blog! I should keep a tally. She said it twice on Monday
New things I noticed wrong with my technique:
Times the teacher said “Spot yourself”